Success...It's All in the Letter P By now we are familiar with Nigel Lythgoe, the British television director and producer, who created such smash hits as Ameri...

Will my office affair last?

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Dear Pz,
I've been married 26 years and have two beautiful grown kids. One is already gone and the other will be leaving soon after college to relocate with her boyfriend. Although I love my husband, I have not been in love with him, in all these years, emotionally, physically, sexually, or mentally. I have read when you talked about fear and it fits me and my fears totally. Because of that fear I have said noting about divorce or how I feel towards him. Being alone around him makes me uncomfortable. I try to avoid any confrontation and as you have said, 'go with the flow.' Fearing the real truth, I pretend everything is great. Everyone thinks I have a perfect, happy life—if they only knew. I don't dare talk to anyone for fear I will be told what a good husband, father, and provider he is. Guess what? I've been a great wife, mother, and provider, too. I can't tell you the last time I got a true hug, kiss, and I love you from my husband. When I do it's just because of sex. He's made me unaffectionate and cold. I told him I give what I receive. I'm tired of being fake. Even if he changed today it's too late. Marriage counseling will not work. If you are not in love, nothing can make you be in love. Another problem has come up. A fellow worker has been giving me attention for 3 years. It is what every woman wants. I have been intimate with this man and have never felt better. He, too, has been unhappily married for 27 years and swears I'm his first true love. I have fallen in love with him. We want to be together, but fear keeps us apart. He says he's ready to do anything it takes to have me. I'm afraid to go forward. My financial position is better than his. My house is paid for, I'm doing well, and don't owe anyone. He, on the other hand, will have to pay alimony of $1,000.00 monthly and his pension and retirement will probably go to her. What do I do? Where do I stand? What do you advise this crazy girl to do at 50 years old—start again?

Please advise,
M

Dear Fearful M,
If you and your lover suddenly ended your perspective marriages and got together it would be quite a gamble. Statistics aren't good when it comes to the long-term success of workplace affairs. Do you have what it takes to beat those odds? Five years from now, after the honeymoon period has passed, and you are stuck carrying most of the financial weight—will the love be enough to sustain you? The clandestine relationship you currently enjoy will not remain at its fevered pitch once it is out in the open. Reality will kick in. That's not to say your marriage isn't over. It may be, but all indications point to it being over long before this affair. You describe years of being unfulfilled. Soon your nest will be empty and you and your husband will be left with just each other. Many aspects of marriage have been a lie. It's time you face the truth of the lies you have been living. It's time you face your rears and make a decision on your marriage. I would be curious if your husband has been living the same lie. Regardless, running from your unhappy life into the arms of a man who is similarly running creates more problems.

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