When a Married Man Cheats, is it with You? You know the names by now: John Edwards, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, David Letterman, Mark Sanford, and Tiki Barber—just ...

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Original Publication Date:
August 2009

2. Practice a combo of sex

Sex in a relationship is either planned or spontaneous. A little of both can be a perfect combination. Admittedly, some couples are having less and less sex these days. Some aren't having any for months on end. That is a shame. Usually one partner is more apt to want sex more often than the other. Take a candid look at your relationship and decide how important and how often having sex is to you and your mate. If things have gotten stale and cooled off in the intimacy department you have to have a conscious plan of attack, so to speak, to get back into the enjoyment sex can bring to a committed couple. Spontaneous sex is just that—sex neither partner has planned and just happens on the spur of the moment. There is noting better than hot, sweaty, rip your clothes off when you walk in the door and throw you down on the dining room table-type sex. No matter how long you've been together, spontaneous sex should never fade away. Be the initiator. Be the instigator. If you no longer desire your partner then there are bigger issues going on that need to be addressed. If life is busy and you are having trouble putting sex on the front instead of the back burner, stop and make a designated date with the planned purpose of making love. If you have children, plan for them to stay elsewhere one night or an entire weekend on occasion to give you the alone, uninterrupted time you need and can't readily have.

3. Show your appreciation in little ways

When we go unappreciated it takes its toll in ways you might not image. Both men and women want to be appreciated by their partner.

For the women: Men especially need special attention like the little boys they are. With cheating on the rise one might assume the lack of sex at home would be the main contributing factor—not so. The reason most often given by men (who are not normally chronic cheaters) for straying outside the relationship is they feel unappreciated at home. What aren't they getting—putting sex aside—that's important enough to cause them to cheat? Women have a tendency to forget what attracted the man to them in the beginning. Think back to all the things you once did that were a given and not a big deal. These are things that made him feel like you were accommodating him and made him feel important or cool. Maybe you watched the game and cheered when you weren't a football fan. Maybe you made the food he liked or ate at the restaurants he preferred or rented the action movie over the chick flick. Maybe you slept in his favorite shirt or no shirt at all. Maybe you stocked up on his cold beer or favorite Scotch and enjoyed it along with him. Maybe you pulled an all-nighter playing poker or shooting pool and smoking cigars and dancing on bars. Now you're a little more focused on you, or your career, or maybe with kids, and your man has taken a back seat to the everyday doings in your life. Over time, he can feel like he isn't the priority often enough and that is a blow to his fragile sense of self. An outsider is more apt to show him and tell him he's the biggest and the best and can pump up that ego that has been deflated at home. None of this might be intentional. Life is hard and times are hard and women have a lot on their plate. Still, there are little things we can do to show our appreciation. Write that 'I love you' note so he'll find it when he opens his briefcase. Switch up your bedtime routine to make it all about him. Take charge or be submissive or whatever it is that you know he likes that he wouldn't be expecting. Don't nit-pick or talk down or be condescending over stuff that bothers you. Find a better, kinder, gentler way of communicating. If he wants to just have sex and not make love, make the time and make it happen.

For the Men: And don't think this is only for the women. Men need to step up and show their appreciation. Women are nurturers by nature but they need some TLC from you, too. Go shopping with her on your day off. Stick a tulip in the back of your belt and have her discover it as she wraps her arms around your waist. Hug her a lot. Kiss real kisses, not just passing pecks, when sex isn't attached. Never go or come without giving her some sweet acknowledgment. If she wants to make love and not just have sex, make the time and make it happen. Say thank you a lot and mean it.

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