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What Do You Have That's Worth Fighting For? As I sat down to write this month's column I was headed in one clear direction. But as is often the case, life happens, and e... |
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Sizzling hot or sadly not?
Original Publication Date:
August 2009
During good times and bad it's a challenge to keep the heat turned up in any relationship. In case you hadn't noticed times are mostly bad, and the heat is mostly coming from the dog days of summer. So where does that leave us? How do we stay positive as the going gets rough? What can we do to give our relationship the attention it needs to stay afloat and not go under and become another casualty? Is it even possible to keep the home fires burning bright, or are we allowing what was once a roaring flame to be reduced to a wee flicker? Consider the scale of hotness that rates your relationship from 1-10. (1 being the coolest and 10 being the hottest) Stop and consider where yours falls on that scale. Be honest and don't lie. Come up with a number that represents how you accurately characterize the sex and intimacy you and your partner are or are not enjoying. Then ask your partner. Compare how close you are on the hotness scale, and see if you're doing fine in the hotness department or if your relationship is hovering around lukewarm at best. If your relationship is one worth having and keeping it's important to tend to all aspects of it, especially the sexual and intimate part. Since life has its ups and down, so too, will our hotness scale fluctuate along with it. It's when you get down below 5, and are headed toward the no heat zone, when you need some immediate work.
Pz's Scale of Hotness ?Where do you fall?
| 10 | The thermometer is about to explode. Get the fire extinguisher. Lucky you! |
| 9 | A fine and toasty place to be. |
| 8 | Heat still registers quite nicely. |
| 7 | Cozy and comfortable. |
| 6 | Clicks in often enough to still generate warmth. |
| 5 | Time for the alarms to sound. You're heading for the no heat zone. |
| 4 | Barely breaking a sweat. |
| 3 | Not enough to keep your feet warm. |
| 2 | The only thing hot is the dog. |
| 1 | Cold as ice. Hello, anybody alive in there? |
Pz's Pointers on how to keep the sizzle in the relationship
(or at least get closer to 10 on the hotness scale)
1. Sleeping in separate quarters can be a good thing
Trends in relationships are changing. You and your partner no longer are obligated to go to sleep and wake up in the same bed like most parents and grandparents did. Studies show that 1 in 4 people regularly retreat to a spare room or sofa to get a good night's sleep. When you have a snoring, spastic, restless, twitching, keep-you-up-all-night-but-I-don't-mean-to kind of partner, it can make it really tough for the person on the receiving end.
I was once in a committed relationship with a well-meaning, loving spooner who had to smother me or have some part of his body touching mine at all times all night. If I moved the slightest bit away from him it triggered an immediate response. He was a pretty muscular guy and being a light sleeper I spent my nights being awakened by many a heavy forearm or massive thigh or serious bear hug. Endearing as it may sound, it never got easier for me to handle. It wasn' until the relationship ended that I could jokingly look back and realize, I hadn' gotten a good night' sleep in 4 years!
Separate sleeping spaces have even begun to affect home design. The National Association of Home Builders says there has been a steady rise in the number of the "two-master bedroom" home since 1990 and project by 2015 that 60% of all upscale custom homes will be built with two "owner suites." If either person in the relationship is hurting in this manner don't continue another night. Sit down and discuss making new bedtime arrangements. Get on the same page and come up with a solution. No more griping and complaining or suffering in silence.
Sleeping apart can take care of the good night's sleep and it can also have a positive impact on keeping the passion alive. A rested partner is a better, more giving and receptive lover than a tired one. Create intimate time for each other in your appointed sleeping space or theirs. Make it special and romantic under the same roof.
Reader Comments
Pz Hopkins says...
Great compromise. Good for you! Glad you could come up with a solution to your differences and still sleep in the same bed. Thanks for sharing.~
Monica says...
we being together only for one year but living together for 9 months.I noticed we dont have sex too often anymore.I asked him and he told me thats the way he is, that he can be hot for weeks and then cold.Also mentioned he might be bored because of the rutine.Is this normal after only one year??
Pz Hopkins says...
After barely a year you should still be in a hot honeymoon phase. The sex should not have waned as you describe. I'm more concerned that Mr. Hot & Cold says he's bored--not a good sign. If the "routine" is stale then change it now. That's a good place to start...together. Let me know how it goes~
Sam says...
How does depression affect sex and relationships? I feel very distant from everyone as a result of money problems and difficulties at work. Our relationship used to be a sanctuary from the world but lately I've been so depressed that I'e lost my sexual appetite. Mr. Hot & Cold
Pz Hopkins says...
Depression is a killer in many ways. Being distant is a means of coping with the pain of your troubles in a troubled world. Try & be connected 2 your partner on some level even if you aren't your normal sexual self. If you can let the closeness in it can be of some comfort. Don't ever give up on you
sleep lover says...
My boyfriend gets really hot during the night and I get really cold. I wouldn't say we sleep apart but he sleeps over the covers and I sleep under. It's done wonders for both of us when it comes to sleep :)