Success...It's All in the Letter P By now we are familiar with Nigel Lythgoe, the British television director and producer, who created such smash hits as Ameri...

How do I get over being betrayed?

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Dear Pz,
After living with my boyfriend many years, in what I thought was a good relationship, I found out he has been seeing another woman for months. He didn't tell me, she did, when she recently called the house. She said she is his girlfriend and that he loves her, not me. When confronted he acted shocked and said it was something that just happened and he didn't mean to hurt me. He wants to stay together and swears this never happened before. I don't want to have sex, sleep in the same bed, or have him touch me. I am so hurt by the betrayal and all his lies. I trusted him and feel like a complete idiot. He seems genuinely sorry. We have 10 years together that I don't know if I should throw away. It is so hard to find a good man. How can I ever trust and believe him again and can I make it work?

Betrayed in Florida

Dear Betrayed,
In every committed relationship there's an invisible line we never cross. The betrayal you are feeling is the fact your boyfriend made a conscious decision to cross that line. The reasons people cheat are varied, but stem from selfish motives. For the cheater, it's all about them. To use the defense it 'just happened' adds insult to your injury. Nothing 'just happens' and he obviously felt this other woman was worth pursuing at the risk of losing you. Don't blame yourself for decisions he made or lies he told. And why would you want to be intimate with a man who has been intimate with someone else along with you? While all cheating isn't created equal - a cheater is still a cheater despite the degree. There are plenty of infractions one can overlook; cheating isn't one of them. It goes to the heart of a relationship - trust. When a person cheats it is a breach of trust - the ultimate betrayal. Let's get real. Not only is he unfaithful, he's in an out-and-out affair. Odds are not in your favor when it comes to rebuilding that trust or betting it won't happen again. How long would you have remained in the dark had this woman not blown his cover? Ten years of your life devoted to a guy capable of this behavior is enough. Give yourself the chance to heal apart from him. You may even consider counseling to help you through this painful ordeal. It hurts now, but you'll survive. Clearly, finding a good man can be a challenge. Since you have yet to find yours, move in a direction so someday you can.

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